Remember yesterday, when one of my dearest friends told me he was leaving for parts unknown in three months or so?

It would have been enough on my plate just to fixate on that. But on top of that, today marked one month since we lost Mikey. Every Thursday since his death, I managed to get busy at work and lose track of the day and time until later in the day, when The Time had passed. Not so today. No, I watched the clock all morning despite my best efforts to distract myself. At about 10 I went outside to my favorite spot, a concrete slab at the edge of the pond near my building. It was warm and breezy and peaceful, and I felt so alone.

I tried to think about Mikey, who he was, and the day we lost him and all the things that have changed in me in a month. But I couldn’t stop thinking about who else I was losing, that feeling of yet another important person slipping away, this time voluntarily. And I got so angry… first at him for deciding this was a good time to take off, for thinking that of all times, this was when he needed to fly away and resolve his feelings of antsiness or whatever. Then I quickly got angry at myself for being so selfish and hanging so many expectations on someone I’ve always known would leave eventually. I knew he didn’t like Florida and that the job was not what he had expected. I had no right to think he should stay here just because I am shamefully fragile.

And then I felt someone coming up behind me… but nobody was there. I figure it was Mikey, coming to sit with me. Suddenly, not quite so alone.

Before long I was able to redirect my attention to my little brother. And I guess just because I felt so overwhelmed and powerless, I finally cried, for the first time in days. It didn’t last long… but it was nice to let some of that stuff out. I knew it was in there somewhere.

It’s not over yet.

At the end of the day, my friend announced he was staying. He decided, at least for now, to let go of some of his expectations and accept the job for what it is (which really isn’t a bad gig, I always thought). I had to leave the room. And of course I’m relieved, but part of me still feels like this is going to happen again anytime now, that he’s only decided to stay for a temporary reason — before too long he’ll decide he wants to leave after all. And next time he might not give so much notice either. And part of me is still royally pissed for going through this day feeling like everything is slowly unraveling. I even kept thinking bad things come in threes, which means one more awful thing is going to happen. And I started filling in that blank with all sorts of awful things.

Yeah, not the best day. God willing, tomorrow will be better, and I will be able to shake this feeling that the other shoe is about to drop.

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