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I haven’t slept right in weeks.

Maybe it’s because during the past almost two months, Zoey has been sick almost constantly, with diagnoses of pneumonia followed by some sort of reactive airway disease/asthma followed by something else that seems to be a cold. Of course, to me, everything seems like a cold. Coughs sound pretty much the same — or at least, I can’t tell much from them. A dry cough could be from a harmless throat tickle or it could be an unproductive, bad kind of cough. A loose sounding cough could mean things are loose and moving up and out, which is good, or that her lungs or airways are full of fluid, which of course is bad. I have no idea what in the hell I am supposed to be hearing, so every noise she makes sounds suspicious. I cannot relax. For a couple days, her nose will run clear and the cough will subside and I will begin to relax, and then BANG she’ll have an hour-long coughing fit or cough during the night and I’ll wonder if I am once again missing some sort of warning signal.

Maybe it’s because during the past almost two months, Danny was going through a last round of his clinical rotation, this time at the hospital, with earlier hours than normal, which resulted in my dropping Zoey off at school early on my way to work… then Danny was finishing his classes and taking mock boards and preparing for his real board exams coming up… then Danny was taking the board exams on the second weekend of December… and now we are waiting for the company he’s applied with to hire him in some sort of position while he waits for at least one of the two test/application/license processes to work out so he can actually work in his field. It will probably be at least a month longer than I had thought — at least a month longer — before we become a two-income family.

Maybe it’s because the shuttle was launching and landing right in the middle of all of this, affecting my regular work schedule and my sleep schedule and taking time away from Christmas preparations, which we finished almost at the last minute because neither of us had any spare time to take care of it all until the last couple of days before.

Maybe it’s because basically throughout December, I’ve been unable to follow any exercise routine.

All I know for sure is that I can’t sleep right anymore. It doesn’t matter how tired I am. It doesn’t matter if I take a Benadryl. As soon as my eyes close, it’s a race to fall asleep before Danny does. Because he begins to snore the moment he goes to sleep, and he goes to sleep almost immediately after he turns off the light and closes his eyes. Meanwhile, I am praying and worrying about any number of things, and trying desperately to quiet my brain and get to sleep before he does. Sometimes, I almost make it. Sometimes I’ve just dozed off when Danny lets out a snore or the cat starts yapping or Zoey coughs once. I’m 100% awake and I have to start all over again.

More often than not, it’s a night like tonight. I’m tired when I turn off the light, but as soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain is off and running, and I know that Danny’s going to start snoring and then I am (bad word alert) totally fucked. I can poke him and ask him to turn over, and he will, but within minutes he turns right onto his back again. I know it’s coming. There is no point fighting it. So I get up, grab my pillows and earplugs, and head for the living room. He wakes up enough to ask what’s up, and I tell him I can’t sleep, and I set up camp in the living room. And I lay there feeling incredibly sorry for myself that the past two months have been absolutely relentless and I can’t even sleep anymore, feeling sorry for myself that I’m spending a night alone on the sofa, and feeling pissed off at everyone on Earth who is able to sleep soundly, while I am looking forward to a lonely night of fitful sleep followed by a tired day with a crick in my neck.

And of course, this is Christmas night. I’m spending Christmas night on the damn computer here, because I am too awake to sleep even though I’m so tired of being awake. I didn’t sleep well last night and I won’t sleep well tonight. I took a Benadryl, but I can’t even tell. I don’t want to take two, especially at 1 a.m., because then I’ll be drugged half the morning, and it’s not like I’d be able to sleep in. (Especially out on the freaking sofa.)

This is the worst feeling. Staring ahead at another lonely, shitty night, followed by a tired and uncomfortable and relentless day… probably followed again by another shitty night. I have no idea how to make this stop. When it’s really bad, on nights like tonight, I want to leave the house. Just get dressed, grab the keys and take off. Because I can’t stand being the only one awake and bored in this house with the whole night in front of me. But since I have nowhere safe to go where I wouldn’t be a nuisance, I don’t go. I just sit around wishing I could. Sometimes I want to dig out the bottle of Lortab left over from my wisdom teeth surgery, and take one, because I know it will knock me completely on my ass. I also know it’s a really bad idea — not to mention that about three hours after taking it, I’d rise out of the Lortab coma and be incredibly wide awake. So I’ve actually never done it.

So it’s 1 a.m. on Christmas night and I am so incredibly lonely and angry. And SO tired of dealing with this night after night.