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I had to unstop not one, but TWO potties this morning. (Before you assume there was massive potty activity at my house, let me remind you there are three potty users here, and two old, crotchety, weak potties that frequently choke under the massive load of two baby wipes and nothing else. )

It’s Monday.

The War on Christmas. Give me a BREAK.

A War on Christmas would be if individuals were not permitted to talk about Christmas, or worship in their own way. A War on Christmas would be if an army of anti-Christmas people descended on churches and homes and punished people found to be celebrating the birth of Christ; a War on Christmas would be if sales of Christmas supplies were banned and it became impossible to have a tree and sing hymns and go to midnight worship services and eat yourself into a stupor and have presents. A War on Christmas would be if people spat on you or whacked you in the back of the head for wearing a sweatshirt with a big glittering cross on it, or a Santa Claus for that matter.

But none of this is happening at all. It’s VERY easy to celebrate Christmas in this country. What is NOT realistic, however, is to expect the stores or the government to back you up on it (although it’s worth noting that stores and government office don’t close for Kwanzaa or Hanukkah, but they jolly well close on Christmas). Retailers cannot afford to leave out everyone who celebrates something other than Christmas. They’re not saying “screw you and your Christmas holiday” — they’re being inclusive. It’s business, and you need to not take everything so damn personally. And the government needs to be inclusive too — it is not the government’s job to make sure you feel adequately festive. They give their employees the day off to celebrate, so they’re not ignoring that the majority of Americans are Christian.

I can’t emphasize this enough: “Happy holidays” does NOT equal “Down with Christmas” or “I hate Jesus!” It doesn’t mean that any more than “Would you like to supersize your combo for $1 more?” translates to “You’re looking mighty thin and I think you need another helping of trans fats.”

If you get all bent out of shape if a store clerk or stranger or acquaintance tells you “happy holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” I have to politely ask WHAT in the HELL is the matter with you. The person didn’t tell you to stick it; they didn’t say “have a happy something as long as it is NOT Christmas.” It really means, “WHATEVER you celebrate, be it Christmas or something else, I hope you have a good one.” For crying out loud, be gracious, because someone is wishing you well!

I’m sorry, but you really have to be a jerk to get all pissed off (at Christmas time, no less) because someone did not wish you the RIGHT KIND of good wishes in the specific words you wanted to hear.

The bottom line is, don’t bother sending me your e-mails about how we’re banning God from the schools and the stores and this and that. (DEFINTELY don’t send me an e-mail saying “It’s no wonder Katrina struck, because look at this war on Christmas!”) If we all kept God in our hearts, and tried to reflect his grace from the inside out, we would not need to have the schools and local parades and all the stores and store clerks reminding us 24/7 that we’re Christian. We should be content to be Christians in our hearts and homes and churches and families, and in public to whatever degree we want, and be gracious to those who wish us well, no matter WHAT words they use.

I’m looking forward to Christmas. And if you want to wish me merry Christmas, happy holidays, or whatever, I promise to appreciate it.